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Author Topic: Should you change yourself for friends or should you find friends who accept everything about you?  (Read 4537 times)

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Offline Lizaitelo

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Based on the recent story of the dentist killing an endangered protected lion by luring it away from protected grounds, do you think hunting should be illegal?  If not, what about big game hunting?

Offline simorghzal

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you should find friends who accept everything about you

Offline Zilvare

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I think before you think about whether your friend accept you or not you should think about yourself. Are you satisfied with yourself or not ? .If you satisfied with it you can just search for friend that accept you as it is. if not you could change yourself to what you think is lacking and improve it the way your friend like it.

Offline HayateGotoku

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I think finding the proper middle ground is what is important here. 

You shouldn't change yourself for friends, because that would basically mean creating a facade, a fake you just to interact with people.  It isn't a bad thing.  In fact, sometimes you have to do it, but it can get tiring if you aren't able to find a place to be yourself.

This brings us to the second part, which is finding friends who accept everything about you.  This isn't necessary, because there are tons of people who have friends that may not accept certain things they do.  Probably the most common example is looking at hobbies, certain hobbies like watching anime are frowned upon in some groups.  But if those people are able to connect with you in another aspect, such as sports or gaming, then it's fine. 

In the end, I think it depends on what kind of friend you are looking for, as well as what kind of person/life do you want to be/have. 

Offline Loon

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No need to change yourself by force. If surrounded by a good entourage, small changes will occur naturally in due time. Same can be said for your friends. Best friends I have now are people I disliked and in one case absolutely despised when we first met, but we learnt to not judge other people by our own standards and how valuable it is to have a person with different opinions and world views.

Friends will accept, or tolerate you for who you are. Good friends will try and change you a bit, especially the sides they see as having a negative influence, like extreme pessimism for example. Great friends? Well they'll help you change through their sheer presence without having to say anything.

Offline Klidge22

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Unless you are in a situation where change is absolutely necessary to make it by in life, I don't believe that altering who you are is a good option. I forget where I heard this but I take these words to heart:

"You are going to spend your whole life with one person, yourself. So make yourself someone interesting to be around."

This said, you should find people who find THAT you interesting, and find people who YOU find interesting. Everything from there is just a matter of time.

Offline Glass_Rankled_Fortissimo

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I think the no change for anyone but yourself crowd is kind of missing the fact that ultimatums serve a rare but at times necessary role in relationships. They aren't just the purview of emotional abuse. Sometimes you need to take a stand and establish a boundary, and sometimes that boundary means moderating something malignant your friend does.

Accept everything is kind of extreme too. I don't need to accept everything about my friends, because rarely is everything actually in my face. That said, you should strategically pick people who's flaws you can stand. Most of us have that list of a half dozen or more things we just can't tolerate at all. People who can't accept criticism or never admit they were wrong just aren't people I can bother dealing with in my free time.

As for personal identity, why would one want to keep that? You ought to be kind of different from what you were a decade ago. Change or die, as the man said. You're not new every morning, that's nonsense. Your base temperament is basically something you're born with, and it doesn't shift a lot from then to old age. But the little things altering is pretty cool. Identity is a fuzzy flux in non regimented culture at the best of times.

Going back to admitting you're wrong, the most crushing thing I heard at a funeral last year was about the death of this zealous professor. The speaker spoke exaltingly about how he never changed a position in 20 years, that he stood firm with his convictions. And I sat and wondered, why did the guy stop thinking? Did he really fool himself into believing he had all the answers? I hope to never be that guy. Consistency is the goblin of small minds, Emerson and all that. So yeah, change. Grow. Don't just stay in one place. Movement is life. Whether it's for friends or not? Eh, just figure out if it's true and don't sweat the myopic crap people shove in your face.

Offline Nichrome

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ho well well well

isn't making this thread and giving your opinion like this already change you.

everybody that read this will realize that this is an opinion of somebody else as such they have a few option whether they agree or not is up to them but the process leading to that already change you in a way that you yourself will not realize.

every time you meet someone be it your family friends or someone you doesn't know something about you change be it your way of doing stuff or your belief stuff like that.

we always influence each other whether we realize it or not like what i am doing right now giving you the raeader my opinion.

as social creature every interaction with each other change us be it for the better or the worst.

it is up to you whether you want to embrace the change or reject it completely.

hahahha passing by

Offline PinoyRecca

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Obviously, the lazy guy in me wants to take the easy route and just say it should be a balance between both...

However, I do think you should never have to change who you are for anyone else, doesn't matter who it is.  I do agree that changing that, would change what makes you, you, which is unnecessary. With over 6 billion in the world, it seems rather unfortunate that anyone would change themselves to fit their so called friends' criteria. If they were really your friends they wouldn't care that you have certain flaws about you, because that is simply what makes you human. Nobody's perfect (except Chuck Norris)

With that said, obviously there is no set rule, and things seem to change as we all grow older.

Offline gohan

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Offline kuradachi

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It ultimately comes down to what kind of person you want to be. I'm not saying you should change yourself completely and put on a facade, but if you know you're doing something wrong, and you love your  friends enough to change it, then yes you should change yourself, slightly, as to not disappoint them.

Offline Jump3R

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Those are big posts...
Anyway, about topic...
There is only one rule you must know and follow.
Never EVER change for others, only for yourself.

Offline ttuu12

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ultimately it depends on the thing that will make you happy

Offline Poulpos

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easy part: ok so as you move through different stages of life, and interests change, friends change, but what about the idealogy of a one true friend who will go through all stages, are they the ones who accept everything about you? or do they stay with you because they themselves love you enough to change themselves, losing sense of themselves for you.
None of them : once we become friends, we still evolve and change as human beings, but that doesn't mean that one has to stick to you changes to remain your friend : each of you may think in a different way, but that doesn't mean a friendship has to end with those changes. Sometimes it does because we can't stand what people have become, but generally friendship will remain despite those changes. Isn't that what makes it beautifull ?

Hard part: Isn't it subjective as to what's good or bad? i mean in different religions, drugs, alcohol etc. could be totally fine in other places, so isn't society the one that decides what is wrong or right, so if people change you because for what society believes in is right even though you personally disagree, in the end you're conforming to something you're not. Maybe it's not really help that you need. If you find friends that suffer from seeing you like that but continue the friendship, does that make YOU the bad friend for making them suffer? the selfish one? Because friendships, relationships are a two way street.
This is in fact the hard part because you'll only remain friends if the difference between you two isn't on a domain that REALLY matters to be able to remain friends. For example : i cherish people who have enough tolerance and comprehension, that are enough open-minded to be able to understand what makes my point different from yours. If you have those qualities, you have all that's required to be my friend. I don't care if you don't agree with my opinion : you don't have to accept it, but to understand it because that's what makes "me". I don't care if you like different music or movies, if you're on drugs or doing an inner trip through religion, if you don't eat meat or already have been in jail. As far as a fair communication is possible, friendship is also possible.

There are of course importants subjects that matters and can make people suffer : I have a friend and ex-collegue of mine who, in my opinion, doesn't respect at all his wife. That's a part of him i'm trying to change. I can't force him to change, that wouldn't work and wouldn't be friendly, but i try to open his way of thinking and behaving to another way by simply discussion and jokes, that's an all day challenge. He has grown in a violent environement, and has violence as a social reflex, it took me more than 1 year to show him that what he believed to be "winning" was in fact a loss : i pushed him verbally to a situation where he'll have no other mean known by him but physical confrontation, and once he had "won" against me (my mouth was actually bleeding), he saw on the face of people around us (friends and every day collegues) that he has lost them, they were turning away from him and wouldn't talk to him for several weeks. He told me months later that this has been a lesson to him, and that he finally understood the message he couldn't get months before. Now he has kids, and he's facing a bigger challenge : he can see his errors reproduced by his son, and while trying to change and educate him, he's also changing himself.

Why am i talking about this ? I needed an example to make my point on that "hard" part : our friendship has never stopped, because we had in common the ingredient that matters (communication, respect, the will to understand the others). We have so much different way of thinking and behaving, we can disagree on so much things, but it's always a pleasure to talk, share, and so on, because at least we have in common those few elements that matters for both of us in the making of a friendship.
If those few but importants elements weren't there for both of us, it doesn't matter how much things we have in common : our relation would one day end because one of the ingredient that matters is missing.

I hope i got my point made clear, not easy to express this in a foreign language at 05:30 AM :)

And i also found the answer of Nadeshiko very adapted to this subject, and must say i quite agree with her.

Offline Nadeshiko

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Like the title suggests, this is a controversial topic and I need you guys to help decide which is better, to find friends who accept everything about you? Or to change yourself for friends?
I personally believe that it's best to find friends who accept you for who you are. Keep in mind that everyone's different and at some points there will be things you and your friends don't agree upon. If you want to make friends, then you should be more open-minded, accepting and forgiving towards them. It does not matter what other people say about your friend or you, all you should know is that he/she is your friend and you enjoy their company. Their personal life should not matter because you have no right to pry in and lecture them on what they should do with their lives. It is a personal and private problem. No one can change them unless they themselves want/are willing to change and that includes you. If they seek for help or advice, then you should give them, not force it upon them. Those who try to change you are simply being selfish. There is nothing more selfish than imposing your views on someone else. This does not mean that you should stand by and not say anything. If you do disagree with them, tell them face to face, but do not force them to change.
Yes many may argue that you should find people who accept everything about you, but what if they're bad habits like shoplifting, drugs, unnecessary violence, then what? Is that why there are cliques, where nerds hang with nerds, and goths with goths?
Perhaps your own personal view on crimes may conflict with them, but being friends with them doesn't mean you're encouraging them to shoplift or will be influenced to shoplift. Are you trying to say that shoplifters can't have friends? In the end you're the only one who can make decisions for yourself. The only person who can bring upon change is you yourself if you really want to.
Which brings me to the next point, why is the bad parts of someone do much harder to accept than the good parts? What makes it so hard to accept?

Humans are naturally selfish to a certain extent. There are things that conflict with their personal beliefs that they find hard to accept.
but for some habits become a way of life, and at a certain part it becomes incorporated into your personality because it is an enjoyment or pleasure that is essential to your lifestyle! Right or wrong?
Lifestlye may affect the person on the outside, but not always on the inside.
easy part: ok so as you move through different stages of life, and interests change, friends change, but what about the idealogy of a one true friend who will go through all stages, are they the ones who accept everything about you? or do they stay with you because they themselves love you enough to change themselves, losing sense of themselves for you.
One true friends are extremely rare. You won't be able to find many if that's the type of friend you're looking for. If they stay with you and change themselves, then it means they have accepted you for what you do.
Hard part: Isn't it subjective as to what's good or bad? i mean in different religions, drugs, alcohol etc. could be totally fine in other places, so isn't society the one that decides what is wrong or right, so if people change you because for what society believes in is right even though you personally disagree, in the end you're conforming to something you're not. Maybe it's not really help that you need. If you find friends that suffer from seeing you like that but continue the friendship, does that make YOU the bad friend for making them suffer? the selfish one? Because friendships, relationships are a two way street.
Not really, they're the one who chose to. You can tell them that they don't have to be with you and you appreciate them for being with you. If they truly want to leave you, then they should do that themselves. In a way, they're also being selfish because they don't want to make themselves look bad or feel guilty. But, it can be said that you're being selfish by not letting them go. Being selfish is not always a bad thing, it's something that everyone has to a certain degree. There are certain selfish things that are acceptable. If they are suffering, then they should tell you and you as a friend should decide what you will choose to do from then on. Friendship means forgiving and accepting, tolerating doesn't mean friendship. If you really want to be friends with them, then what they do with their lives should not matter too much because you can't change them for who they are. You like them because you guys get along on some point.
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Conc: How much of a difference is acceptable? To make a person's lifestyle "better" is subjective, and being understood and accepted is a form of care.
That's subjective. It all depends on if you want to accept it or not.

In the end. Thinking about these things too much will frustrate you a lot. It's best to think things simply sometimes because there are so many answers or none at all that can satisfy you.

Offline Miffy

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but for some habits become a way of life, and at a certain part it becomes incorporated into your personality because it is an enjoyment or pleasure that is essential to your lifestyle! Right or wrong?

easy part: ok so as you move through different stages of life, and interests change, friends change, but what about the idealogy of a one true friend who will go through all stages, are they the ones who accept everything about you? or do they stay with you because they themselves love you enough to change themselves, losing sense of themselves for you.

Hard part: Isn't it subjective as to what's good or bad? i mean in different religions, drugs, alcohol etc. could be totally fine in other places, so isn't society the one that decides what is wrong or right, so if people change you because for what society believes in is right even though you personally disagree, in the end you're conforming to something you're not. Maybe it's not really help that you need. If you find friends that suffer from seeing you like that but continue the friendship, does that make YOU the bad friend for making them suffer? the selfish one? Because friendships, relationships are a two way street.

Conc: How much of a difference is acceptable? To make a person's lifestyle "better" is subjective, and being understood and accepted is a form of care.

(hahaha im sorry for being difficult, it's just some random question that came into my head)

Offline Poulpos

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I'd say both !

I'l try to explain that :

There are plenty of things that you won't really whange in your personnality, because that's just the way you are ! In that way, you have to find people that will accept you as you are, because changing those parts would mean you're no more yourself.

But you are also doing / saying things in order to get people's attention, you know what i mean ? Those can even be bad habits, but they don't define what/who you are, they are just tools you "use" to get something/someone, and those could be changed by the people sourrounding you without changing your true self. So friends could try to make you evolve on those parts without changing the real you, that's just help and it's welcome.

Another part, the easy one : you often meet people because of your interests, but that will change. You don't still like the music you liked when you were 14 years old right ? Or you happen to like things you didn't care / liked years before. Same for food, movies, political thinking, etc. So you're evolving as a human being and thinking. But in most of times you will still remain friends because the bound between you and them has enough strength to overcome those differencies or evolutions. You might loose a fiew friends, but most of them will still love you. So what was common and led you to meet people could change without meaning you have to loose those friendship as soon as the similarities within you are gone.

Now the hard part : we also have vices that can be a wall between us and other people. In the contrary it can also be the way that made you meet them. Drugs, sex practises, religious activities, alcohol, sport, need for adrenaline, stealing, lies you tell, mental troubles, anger, lonelyness, name what you want, friends won't judge too hardly : if they know you, they know why you're in them, or at least they know you do it. But that doesn't mean they totally accept it, and they will want you to change. Some will be able to help you. Some won't but will remain friends and suffer from seeing you like that. Some won't be able to continue on accepting that and will stop seeing you, some will even hurt your feelings by trying to make you change. even if it can feel bad, it's still an act of love / friendship. If i can lead you to think about what you do, why you do it, and how people around you feel about it, you may change. Or not. But you'll be thinking about it, and may be able to name one of your problems or bad habit. You might even want to change, even if you fail. Huge changes take years to happen, and the path is sometimes hard.

Conclusion is : there are no recipe for friendship or love, you have to open your heart and accept the differencies between each others. Once done, you're all ready to recieve what people have to offer : their culture, tastes, experiences, love, anger, suffers, all of them are moments you'll share, and will define who you are and through what you've been. So friends should accept who you are, and are welcome to try to change parts of yourself. By the way : while doing it, they will also change themselves a bit, and you'll also accept them for what they think / do. Would those precious friends still be as valuable / interesting if you totally changed them ? Of course not, just work on the part that could make those person better, even if it doesn't work : they will at least see you care about them :P

Quite a messy answer, right ?

Offline cupidheart

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I think you should find friends that have similar lifestyles and values, so there is not so much both sides have to give in order to keep the relationship going. Usually if you friends have such a difference in interests like doing drugs while you don't, it probably will be a strained friendship. And realistically, people do change because of their friends, but you want the change towards something that makes you better as a person. I'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with someone who shoplifts, etc, but you choose your friends and if you're not happy with their lifestyle or don't want to be influenced by them than you can find other friends.

Offline Miffy

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Like the title suggests, this is a controversial topic and I need you guys to help decide which is better, to find friends who accept everything about you? Or to change yourself for friends?

Yes many may argue that you should find people who accept everything about you, but what if they're bad habits like shoplifting, drugs, unnecessary violence, then what? Is that why there are cliques, where nerds hang with nerds, and goths with goths?

But With friends, if you change your bad habits for your friends, then isn't that a positive influence? But in that sense you lose...what makes you, you. A personal identity that defines yourself. You don't want to lose yourself, but for friends people do change. Which brings me to the next point, why is the bad parts of someone do much harder to accept than the good parts? What makes it so hard to accept?

I'm not sure which side to take, so whatever you guys hit me with I'll be debating the other side until I'm convinced by which way is the superior one.