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Author Topic: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]  (Read 1280 times)

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Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #20 on: June 24, 2017, 06:50:56 PM »
First off I'd like to apologize for being such a slacker. Sorry for being such a slacker. Here's a short side story to make up for it.

[spoiler=A short side story to make up for it.]

I entered the room. It was dimly lit with few exceptions. One of which was the center where a man in a tailor made suit stood. He would have given off the impression of a high class bartender, or a butler to a reputable family if it weren't for the mask on his face. He seemed nice, for a weirdo.

I approached him, and he motioned me to sit down, which I did.

"You've died." he said gravely.
"Hmm, quite." I said.
I don't remember dying but considering my line of work it's inevitable someone would come try to kill me.
"You have impressed me though."
"Oh?"
"You may not realize it but feats you committed prior to your death will make you legendary. As such you are granted a privilege to live on along with a wish that I will grant."
His tone never changed no if anything he talked even slower and with gravity, but that didn't matter what could I have done to make myself a legend? I must have gone berserk on the people who tried to kill me that's only explanation.
"Alright. I get it you'll send me somewhere new with my guts and memories intact right?"
He nodded solemnly.
"In that case I'll take all the knowledge of the world you're sending me to."
"The secrets will be yours to call on you need only ask."
"May I get the name of my benefactor?"
"My name is lost me along with my purpose."
"Then would you like to join me?"
"I have no body."
"I'll let you inhabit mine."
"This is a terrible decision."
"But It's one we make together."

Meanwhile on Earth.

"What a nightmare. No that's to tame of a word for it."
"Boss we just got word from guy in the morgue his body has gone missing."
"AHHHHHHHHHHGGGG!!!"
The man left the room.
"What happened to him?"
A courrier ran up to him.
" I got the goods."
"This is..."
"Um sir."
"Don't tell anyone about this if word gets out it could destabilize everything, wars would break out around the world."
"Yes sir, but what happened I thought this man could go through hell and piss the fire out."
"He met the devil."
"I see..."

Meanwhile on Terra

"This is problematic."
"Yes very problematic."
"Perhaps if we employ the ruiners."
"Sir you can't that would mean involving civilians. If they lose it would be grounds for genocide."
"Ugh we can't let this go on."
"Sir remember the tactic used by the First Grand strategist?"
"We don't have mean to carry out an operation like that."
" Then Why don't we modify it a bit."
" You mean use bait."
"Yes."
"We'll need to modify it a bit more if we want to save civilians."
"Of course sir I'll leave that to you."


Now Back to the plot.

I woke up on a grassy field. With some new clothe on.
"Are you there?" I asked.
"Yes" he replied solemnly.
"You didn't give me any overarching goal so I guess we're free to do as we please right?"
"That's the idea, but if you want a goal why don't you become legendary."
"Okay let's start by looking for people."
I walked to the nearest settlement. Only to see trouble brewing.
Three thugs were picking on an elderly couple. One of them seemed better equipped than the other. A guard? The other two had poorly maintained leather armor with different openings allotted for ease of movement. It seems like the armor was at one point of decent quality. The three of them seem to be mugging the couple, while armed townspeople slowly gathered to watch.
" At this rate it's gonna turn into a bloodbath."
"Do you not want to help?"
"Something's off the townspeople should have jumped them by now."
"If you wait much longer they'll all be slaughtered is this how your legend begins?"
"No I'm not gonna let anyone else die."
"The knowledge on how to stop this yours you need only call on it."
"Of course."
I stepped forward for all to see and proclaimed "Stop where you are and drop your goods."
Silence. On the other side of the world people were dumbstruck for not apparent reason.
In the mountains sages lost their focus.
In the Oceans Atlantis stirred once more.
In the cemeteries the dead rose without someones call.
In the sky mythical monsters long thought dead came to be once more.
Who was this man who wanted to rob people three armed and dangerous villains, and could he wait until they were done with what they were doing first.
Silence. And then, they walked away.
...
As they were walking away one asked" Who was that?"
"I don't know and I don't wanna know."
"But-"
"Let me tell you when wearing that shows up you do as they say."
"Wearing what?"
"Right you can't see it. He's Wearing stuff I don't about."
"That can't be possible-"
"It's possible. One of the requirements for being a ruiner is having the ability to appraise anything. ANYTHING! The only way we can't see it is if it's not bound by the rules of the world. "
"Specifically It's not bound to exist. The thing is a hole in the fabric of reality."
"That was just the stuff we could see."
"Meaning he might himself be the hole."
"Either way I guess he can handle the things in that town. So we'll meet him at the city."


I approach the townsmen, they seem less than grateful. The elderly man steps forward. "While I appreciate the help you offered us we humble folk prefer to take care of our own problems."
"Relax I'm not that nice. I'm actually a travelling vagabond looking for a free meal and I thought that would be the best way to get it."
"Never let it be said we don't know how to show our gratitude. We'll feed and lodge you for a week for your trouble that seem fair?"
"Of course and perhaps we could share stories over the fireplace."
"We'd be more than glad to oblige our benefactor."

Over the course of the week  I learned some things the geography and politics of the land as well as the social structure and different economies. I could've tried using my gift but the knowledge seems to go away as soon as I'm done. It's probably to protect my mind.  So to sum it up I'm on Terra. To narrow it down I'm a continent similar in scale to Gondawa. There used to be a sister continent, but it sank after something happened they aren't sure what.  It seems that I'm on the northeastern edge in a small country called Bastion. They claim to be the first humans on the continent and are well liked by people.  They are currently at war with a country called Conviction. Some naming sense. Conviction Doesn't like Bastion and sees it as a threat to they're dominion. Probably because their land used to belong to to other races while bastion was harsh and uninhabited. Leading to bad blood between it and the rest of the world. If Bastion allied with the other races it probably would give up all the territory and take all the refugees. Conviction saw this as a threat to humanity and wanted to eliminate them before it came to pass.

In this world there are mercenaries hired to do jobs guards and the army can't or are unwilling to do. Like guarding a caravan across borders or killing wolves that are  harassing sheep.
The most elite of these mercenaries are called ruiners. They're given special privileges in Bastion which is why most of them reside here. Even a weak ruiner is considered more competent than special agents from a large nation, so most countries give bastion a wide berth, even to the point of not extending their borders when they could. Wonder how they know all this.


Meanwhile on Earth

"Yes Mr. president it's as you heard. The kingpin took his own life."
"Why!? He was the powerful man on the planet what could make him do this."
"We found this."
"This raises even more questions the man was ex- black ops what on earth can shake him this bad."
"We also found his log."
"... We need to find this man?"
"Sir?"
"He escaped from the morgue. Find him and bring him to me. He may be the key to stopping this before war breaks out across the globe."
"Y-yes sir!"
After he left the president said "I hate ghosts."




 The ruiners guild hall. Empty as usual. Work that required a ruiner was rare even nowadays when the word is looking bleak. Some of the older ruiners come now and then for reunions, but that's been slowing down since the tension between countries has heightened, and since the requiremints for becoming one are so stringent there are few new ones as well. Leaving the hall occupied by just a few people to keep it clean in case they ever want to come back.


"Wake up. They've surrounded the place and are about to torch it."
"MHh"
"Wake up! You've been here a week and still haven't noticed?"
"Fine I get it Let's rock on."
"Ugh whatever listen the things in this world are much stronger than you think."
"I Got it. Let's run."
"No. You're going to have draw the leader into one on one."
"Mkay"

I jumped through the window. When the house was beginning to light up the night.
These things look human, but aren't, it's like they're not of this world.
"They're nightmares."
"Hmm my nightmares are much worse."
"These things may have been human once, but after going mad with fear and letting it consume them they are now it's very essence. I've never seen so many in one place before."
"Glad these things don't exist where I'm from people would never be able to handle this."
"The leader's in the front."
"Kay"
I get a running start and roundhouse kick it at full force. It flies 13 feet.
"Gah. What are these thing made of I nearly broke my leg."
"Fear. The only reason you didn't break it was because of the perfect execution. Try going for it's vitals."
"Alright."
I go at it quick and low, pressing my open palm against it's chest and chin. While it's stunned I grab it and throw by the neck, snapping it mid- throw.
"They feed on fear and the darkness keep attacking."
"I can't my bones feel like they're gonna shatter."
"The moment you show hesitation is the moment it fight backs."
"And when it fights back I die. I get it."
I try to get it in a choke hold. It doesn't work.I barely block it's counter attack.
"This is terrible I might die twice."
"Remember without me you wont even be able to go to the next life."
"That's no good. Guess I just have to win then. Give me a weapon that can cut these things."
I feel an eyebrow being raised at me.
"I already know these aren't normal clothes."
"Very well."
In my hand there appeared something strange, no... It was many things it was just taking one form at this moment. He need only ask for a particular form and it would appear.
"Scythe..."
The light of the flaming house danced around the changing shape, molding it, forming it, until... The scythe that appeared was different than what I had in mind it seems to be more dangerous. A combination of fire and shadow encircle each other making it seem dangerous, if not impossible to hold. The blade was something different though almost made of water and light almost begging to be touched.
Yes this is just what I need. I grabbed the shaft. and formed it further making a chain of darkness around it and my wrist.
"Come."
The nightmare was calm it knew despite the fancy tool if the skill of the user is insufficient, it would prove to be not more than an annoyance. Yet this tool was beyond it's imagination. Something that shouldn't exist. It reminded the nightmare of a feeling he had almost lost. Fear. He was no longer calm.
It came at me the next second. It had been enraged by my taunt. I swung at it, but since I'm not skilled with exotic weapons I only wounded him.

The nightmare was confused was this really the creature from before the one that was so weak it almost broke trying to hit him. No this must be an illusion. It was wounded in a way it wasn't likely to recover from. Right shoulder down to the chest. He's not likely to live long past this, even if his unique constitution allows him the tenacity to keep fighting at full strength.

"He's still goings strong I see."
*Death glare*
"I'm grateful that you gave me a weapon that could cut him this deeply even when I couldn't wound him."
*Death glare weakens*
" To show my appreciation I'll Make you a body when this is all over."
*Death glare softens*
Since he's not regenerating I'll just dismember him and put his corpse in a bonfire.



Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #19 on: April 25, 2017, 11:22:22 AM »
Hi Zaphrias, sorry for the late appearance, been busy.
So, first of all: about the name change.
I like how you just call him "Vampire", it's as generic as it sounds, keeping the unique explanation of his... *ekhm* condition...
BUT if you really want to change that, you have to take these three things into consideration, which I always follow when writing a character. And they are:
1) The place of origin - Earth? Alien? Other reality? Places based on geographic locations nowadays? You can't name someone Hikari and make them be from Middle East... I mean, you can, sure, but it would bring even more confusion...
2) What are the traits of the character - the sounding of the name should match the characteristics of the person it describes. Example: John or Jack are very generic, common people, not standing out. Same with the last name, it should somehow reflect the character, or its opposite (as an irony). Example: Someone named Smith could be very extraordinary as well as very plain. In completely fictional worlds that's pretty easy, you just have to make some kind of naming convention to present similarities between characters, but keep the diversity like in our world. So if for example you make all vampires have Slavic sounding names with suffixes like "-ski", "-vic" or "-aya" you can't suddenly name one of them differently unless their backstory allows that. Of course, you can always make up the story, but it's just fishing for sealing plotholes.
3) I believe this to be most useful and important: How would you name yourself if you were that person? Would you like your name or different name? Does your character like the name? Is it ironic for a reason or just completely random? If random - why is it random? If there is a reason - what is that reason? Would you be able to stand in that character's shoes with that name and be natural about it? If the answer to any of that is "yes" and you like that it is "yes" then the name is good and you don't need to change it. But if there is "yes" but you'd prefer it to be "no" or there is no "yes" and you'd want a "yes" somewhere - go back to points 1) and 2) with the question you want answered differently in mind.

Now, next point. You should work on your syntax and phrasing of your sentences. There are minor changes needed here and there, as I probably mentioned somewhere before, but you could definitely improve that with few simple steps, like reading the sentence aloud after writign it until it sounds good, or reading entire part from the beginning at least few minutes after writing it, or maybe just ask someone around you to read it for you. Either way, minimum additional effort would give you amazing improvement rate. Trust me on this one.

As for the story itself so far - I pretty much like how and where it's going. A bit too short here and there, but overly simple and clear. Therefore good. Keep it up xd


Thanks, I thought about it a bit and figured vampire was very apt on where I wanted to take the character.

Offline Jump3R

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #18 on: April 11, 2017, 08:06:15 AM »
Hi Zaphrias, sorry for the late appearance, been busy.
So, first of all: about the name change.
I like how you just call him "Vampire", it's as generic as it sounds, keeping the unique explanation of his... *ekhm* condition...
BUT if you really want to change that, you have to take these three things into consideration, which I always follow when writing a character. And they are:
1) The place of origin - Earth? Alien? Other reality? Places based on geographic locations nowadays? You can't name someone Hikari and make them be from Middle East... I mean, you can, sure, but it would bring even more confusion...
2) What are the traits of the character - the sounding of the name should match the characteristics of the person it describes. Example: John or Jack are very generic, common people, not standing out. Same with the last name, it should somehow reflect the character, or its opposite (as an irony). Example: Someone named Smith could be very extraordinary as well as very plain. In completely fictional worlds that's pretty easy, you just have to make some kind of naming convention to present similarities between characters, but keep the diversity like in our world. So if for example you make all vampires have Slavic sounding names with suffixes like "-ski", "-vic" or "-aya" you can't suddenly name one of them differently unless their backstory allows that. Of course, you can always make up the story, but it's just fishing for sealing plotholes.
3) I believe this to be most useful and important: How would you name yourself if you were that person? Would you like your name or different name? Does your character like the name? Is it ironic for a reason or just completely random? If random - why is it random? If there is a reason - what is that reason? Would you be able to stand in that character's shoes with that name and be natural about it? If the answer to any of that is "yes" and you like that it is "yes" then the name is good and you don't need to change it. But if there is "yes" but you'd prefer it to be "no" or there is no "yes" and you'd want a "yes" somewhere - go back to points 1) and 2) with the question you want answered differently in mind.

Now, next point. You should work on your syntax and phrasing of your sentences. There are minor changes needed here and there, as I probably mentioned somewhere before, but you could definitely improve that with few simple steps, like reading the sentence aloud after writign it until it sounds good, or reading entire part from the beginning at least few minutes after writing it, or maybe just ask someone around you to read it for you. Either way, minimum additional effort would give you amazing improvement rate. Trust me on this one.

As for the story itself so far - I pretty much like how and where it's going. A bit too short here and there, but overly simple and clear. Therefore good. Keep it up xd

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #17 on: April 05, 2017, 07:10:07 PM »
[spoiler=The goal]

 Vampire looks up at the bear then turns his head and says " I think I'll walk."
 
The demon bear said nothing and just took him in it's mouth like a cub and started running.

" Well this is unpleasant." said Vampire.

The bear then threw him up onto it's back.

"Where are we going he asked?"

"Smoke"

"Hmm?

"Where there's smoke there's fire."

"And where there's fire there's people."

"Yes."

"Looks like we're here."

They arrived at a burned down hamlet. There was only one stone building in it and had also been destroyed.There weren't any bodied and no valuable remained either. On the edge of what used to be a church there was small girl, unconscious and possibly dying. The demon had changed form into a man again, but this time he was a female. Above average height, a cold piercing gaze, and blonde spiky hair that went to her back.

"I'm starting to wonder how you're able to do that."
"You didn't wonder before?"
"Didn't care, but you've shown me two forms of two different people. How did you get them?"
"Before asking me that wouldn't you be more concerned with the child?"
"You promise not to harm her?"
"If you insist, though I'll ask a request from you later for this."
"Go heal her."
" You sure? The price will be quite steep."
"Yeah I have plans for this one."

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #16 on: February 14, 2017, 06:21:44 AM »
[spoiler=Identity]

As the two people walked along in silence the boy looked up at the man in a daze. "What do you want from me?" he asked.
The man smiled cheerily "Simple. I want to make you strong."
" I see. Well, I have my own agenda so I can't help you out with that."
"Hmm. I wondered if you be like that though it seems you happen to be a bit dense as to what's going on around you."
"We haven't introduced ourselves, have we?"
"Yes, I suppose that was a bit rude of me. I am a demon pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"So I suppose I can call you whatever I like then."
"Yes, as long as you don't call me a god or an angel."
"That's odd. I guess you don't like being looked up to then."
"Now that we have that out of the way: what is your name?"
"I don't have a name to give you. The less we tell each other about ourselves the better."
"I suppose that would be true normally but since I'm a demon why don't I call you a vampire."
"Suit yourself."
"Now then how would you like to know about the world you're in."
"I'm not too terribly interested since I won't be staying long."
"True enough I suppose. Though we'll need a cover to talk to the inhabitants."
"No, no we don't." refuted vampire.
"Actually we do. The clothes we're wearing are high grade by this world's standard and most people don't travel so we're going to need some way of explaining this without catching the attention of unsavory characters." said demon.
"Whatever man. If you're trying to scare me it won't work. I've seen things far scarier than you."
"And that's why I want to make you stronger."
"How long are we gonna keep walking?"
"If you want I can carry you."
"I'm half your size. That isn't possible."
Demon changed form into a bear and said: " Hop on."

Offline Jump3R

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2017, 07:57:39 AM »
Not too shabby. A bit confusing at first glance who says what in the longer part of the conversation in the middle, and there were some cosmetic issues, but simplest edit would polish it in no time.

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W] Now with plot.
« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2017, 11:26:14 AM »
[spoiler=The beginning]

     The boy woke from the nightmare this time it was different, though. He was on the ground, and there were two entities in front of him. One was a small child and the other was a slim man of average height. All of them blinked and looked at each other a few times.
     "I've done it! I knew I was powerful. Those other gods bully me, but now I have all the power I could ever dream of. I'll show them."
   The small child was having a fit. While the young man smiled kindly.
   "I hate to rain on your parade, but I'll be taking the boy. I hope you don't mind."
   The atmosphere went dark in an instant. While the young man continued to smile the kid turned his head with eyes of pure rage and said."The f*ck you just say?"
   " You strike me as a smart man so you probably know that you can't beat me. Stop putting on airs you're scaring the person you took so much care to bring here."
   "I am a wise god so I know you can't be defeated yet I also have my pride. If I let you take him from me for nothing I'll lose all self-respect I once had."
   "I've prepared compensation."
   The young man held out a bag with a hemp string attached to it.
   The child god took it.
   "What's this?" he asked when the contents revealed slips of paper.
    "Scientific formulae. They should be able to give you an edge if you use them correctly."
    "Formula to what?"
    "I wrote down the common name for them. I can't be bothered to tell you more as there are hundreds of them."
The god seemed satisfied with the answer and asked "Are you sure? This seems more valuable than that child."
    "I have all this knowledge in my head anyway. The child is more valuable to me since he's a mystery."
   " Come along now boy we have much to discuss."
  The boy who watching this in a daze decided to follow along, after all, he had nothing better to do.

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2017, 01:58:15 PM »
[spoiler= The Tin Soldier]

Meanwhile in a distant universe there was a bored monster sitting on a throne of bones. "'Hmm so much power and so little to do with it. The countries of the world that sought to kill me have fallen. The spark of joy and curiosity died with them. My celebrity status got downgraded to D-list at best and now there is no one. Hmm I wonder? Did I misuse my power or was it the world's fault for trying to erase me? Perhaps I should never had existed in the first place. *Sniff* Where did I go wrong?" as he sat there slowly going insane. A figure came to mind. This little girl was the reason he existed and yet she was also reason he was going insane. "I'll keep my promise little one, even if I die I'll show you the smile you always wanted to see." How many years had it been? The sky is a blazing inferno and even though he had the power to turn back the clock so to speak. He still sat there and wondered. "Where did I go wrong?"

Offline Jump3R

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2017, 04:36:27 AM »
So, it's a loop, where you have to lucidly change the outcome. Nice. I want to see where this is going xd

There were some minor grammar and syntax issues but nothing really standing out and hurting the eyes...

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2017, 10:44:43 AM »
Sorry guys I had to get my teacher to help me figure out how to use the spoiler feature.
 [spoiler= A story in the world that has nothing to do with it.]
 A recurring nightmare that only gets more warped and twisted as it goes on. Each time I have it, the dream becomes more vivid and sinister.
In the dream, I'm just a child running home to tell my family about the lunar eclipse. It is a short run as I didn't go very far from my home before it happened. As I run I noticed the town was empty. It was high noon and sky was red, far from huddling inside people should be outside looking at the spectacle. I ignore it as the people I know are always a little strange. This place is as backwards as it comes so it's not odd that they would have strange ways. I arrive to hear a strange noise, one very remanence of glass being torn. It torments my ears and haunts my steps. I arrive at the living room. There are a man and a girl. They are what you may call my family, though I've never considered them as such.
The man is menacing the girl with a dull ax that has already tasted blood. I grab the girl only to feel my bones break. I calmly observe the situation. These two are not human it seems. With these thoughts running through my mind I am ready to embrace death when a bolt of thunder runs through my mind. I see what the world will become it they are left alone. I see the acts they commit to find me, and I see myself coming to my rescue. Suddenly a large man with one arm, an eyepatch, a beard, and scars all over his body, shoots a bolt at the thing that was my sister. It is thrown past the wall and into the next house. A loud screech is heard followed by an explosion. I stand up, look at the man and without a word go with him. Endless running follows the creatures are everywhere and their forms grow more disturbed the further we go. They all have black eyes, black blood, and pale sickly flesh like a fish. They inhabit the bodies of people, it doesn't matter who. Then they decide if to mutilate the body so as to provide for more inhabitants. Always running, always laughing, under the red sky. Those that didn't have the faces for laughing would mock the runners in other ways. Sometimes they'd pretend to be human, sometimes. Until the other runner and I have nowhere to run anymore. Up on a hill, we prepare to fight against a world of monsters created just for us and a portal appears. The other runner shoves me in before I even know it exists and says "I won't let them kill you. You have to change the future and prevent this from happening.". And like that, the nightmare begins again.

Offline Jump3R

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2017, 01:17:10 PM »
Sure thing, that's partially why I'm here xd
Keep up the good work Zaphy (can I call you that? Sure I can, I'm beyond GOD here XD)

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2017, 03:17:40 PM »
So...
1) is English your mother language?
2) the godly theme here looks okay, you still need their names though. Even if they use more than one, you need a name to refer to them with. If you don't have any ideas for those I could think of something, I'm writing fiction novel myself right now.
3) gods are gods because they defy the laws of mortals. That is all. Regardless of religion, beliefs, theology, logic and understanding of men. This is the only correct explanation of what does "godly" mean. "Defying mortal laws that everything and everyone else MUST abide".
4) It'd be better if you put them all into spoilers with titles, showing what the posts are about without taking up much space.
It works like this:
Sorry, please read the forum rules to see why you can't view spoilers and why you can't post in this forum section. Thank you!
5) I like your classification of gods so far, but you should remember that what the god represents (meaning a god of what he/she is) must be chosen with care on what personalities they have, what powers they possess and what they do with them. Just remember that only then it makes sense.

So, feel free to hit me up via pm or in any thread I'm participating in, just say what's on your mind and I should reply relatively quickly xd
Also, welcome to the community, and have fun. That's what keeps us here, fun.


Thank you so much for your feedback! I hammered out a basic story and I'll post it soon I hope you'll guide me with that as well.

Offline Jump3R

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2017, 05:43:39 AM »
So...
1) is English your mother language?
2) the godly theme here looks okay, you still need their names though. Even if they use more than one, you need a name to refer to them with. If you don't have any ideas for those I could think of something, I'm writing fiction novel myself right now.
3) gods are gods because they defy the laws of mortals. That is all. Regardless of religion, beliefs, theology, logic and understanding of men. This is the only correct explanation of what does "godly" mean. "Defying mortal laws that everything and everyone else MUST abide".
4) It'd be better if you put them all into spoilers with titles, showing what the posts are about without taking up much space.
It works like this:
Sorry, please read the forum rules to see why you can't view spoilers and why you can't post in this forum section. Thank you!
5) I like your classification of gods so far, but you should remember that what the god represents (meaning a god of what he/she is) must be chosen with care on what personalities they have, what powers they possess and what they do with them. Just remember that only then it makes sense.

So, feel free to hit me up via pm or in any thread I'm participating in, just say what's on your mind and I should reply relatively quickly xd
Also, welcome to the community, and have fun. That's what keeps us here, fun.

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2017, 07:03:44 PM »
On gods. There are various theories on what makes a god a god. There is no consensus this is partly due to bias towards your own god and partly do to the fact that gods come in to being in various ways leaving people only able to determine them by there power and influence. A once popular theory stated that gods are gods because they don't die. This was discredited after war of treachery where at least three gods died and one stayed dead. Another more common theory now is that their ability to use mortals as vessels is what makes them gods. While this has been discredited with the advent of ghosts and demons after the war people still believe this theory in cities that don't face these threats. One hypotheses that hasn't been discredited is that they have the ability to make something from nothing, ignoring conventional wisdom that every made must be made from something. Most gods have the ability to change their shape to a greater or lesser extent. They can't however hide their divinity from other gods with two exceptions. 1. god can mask anything in the world from any one thanks to his power. The dead god of treachery stole goddess of mercy's "Identity" for lack of a better word so that he could trick two gods into killing each other take their power and rule the world.When those two gods killed each other it caused the races that they had created to declare war on each other, races that were previously friends these races were the dwarves and the elves.

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2017, 12:06:51 PM »
3. The god of knowledge, learning, talent, and uneven rewards. Created Mindflayers. He also created golems to serve them. He isn't worshiped by anyone other than the Mindflayers as he is considered to be insane by all other gods and races. He was driven mad in his pursuit for the origin of the world. He stayed neutral in the war of treachery so his mindflayers were spared the destruction that was brought upon the other races. In the aftermath, though they were forced to retreat into seclusion due to a combination of being the target of other races and being wholly unfit for war.  He doesn't give boons or blessing, nor does he ask for offerings. He is often considered to be the only god incapable of dying as more than one have tried and succeeded in killing him, but he doesn't ever to seem to notice, much less care.

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2017, 11:11:42 AM »
2. God of Courtship, friendly competition, and gambling. Unofficial god of war, and battle. Is one of the few gods that haven't declared 1. a heretic. Is also a fast friend of the previous god. Due personality similarities. Originally was a god of war alone, but he spurned his gift in favor gentler powers after the war of treachery, that killed most life on the planet. He is the only god to willingly lose most of his original power. He grants boons in the form of weapons. These weapons are unable to harm any life, but they will sunder all other weapons that come in contact with them. He is the creator of the near extinct dragons and protects weaker gods from being devoured by more powerful deities. This led him to be ostracized by different gods after he stopped their powerplays. He is most often worshiped by soldiers who wish for peace, gamblers, and suitors, also.

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2017, 10:47:46 AM »
So... Basically, Loki then? The way you're describing it feels like the god is really lax. And about the story, does that means that the story revolves around other gods trying to hunt him and his followers?

No story yet. I'm just trying to build a world.

Offline Anons

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2017, 03:07:13 PM »
So... Basically, Loki then? The way you're describing it feels like the god is really lax. And about the story, does that means that the story revolves around other gods trying to hunt him and his followers?

Offline Zaphrias

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Re: A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2017, 01:41:06 PM »
1. God of anonymity, freedom, food, and games. Unofficial god of balance, chance, and destiny. He is a master of disguise and no one knows his name or face. He is often revered by thieves, spies, hunters, and to a lesser extent other criminals. His deep hatred for slavery and all who practice it has caused him to pick fights gods. Causing wars on the world below. He declines to be worshiped as a god and says that if they wish for his protection they must give him delicious leftovers when he calls for them. And should they wish for his favour they must play games where all participants have fun... in a graveyard. Adventurers will sometimes pray to him to exchange their fame for power. Some of the greatest legends of have been reforged and lost due to this bargain. It has been declared heretical to worship him in most places, due to the fact that he started multiple great wars and is hated passionately by most other gods. This is not enforced except when convenient though because followers that receive his blessing are vessels for all of his power. Making them unkillable until another god intervenes. He is the only god that would give this much of power to answer a prayer. Likely because he is the only god that can survive without it. Normally gods would pounce anyone who gave too much power. He can survive because his powers make him a master of disguise, to the point that the god of the hunt and the god of light were unable to find him when working together.

Offline Zaphrias

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A bit of lore open for critique. [W]
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2017, 01:15:02 PM »
Hi! I'll be writing here to hammer out some ideas for a book I may or may not write considering on how well this turns out. I hope you will be honest with me. I promise you won't hurt my feelings.